wish i had your mouth so i could tell myself no
-
a note for danny,
the day i arrived here i locked myself in the school toilets and cried until it was recess. as i walked away from the smell of shit i remembered.. those inked letters above the mirror that said 'this was never my life' and i have never cried another day since then because i realised, they were never my tears.
the day i met you i had never been in so much physical pain. i had blood dripping from my lip and you told me that i needed to get some help. i wasn't sure what you meant back then, but i walked all the way from the park to the hospital and as soon as i got there they told me "it wasn't worth the wait" so i walked back home and stapled my lip shut. the bleeding stopped, but the pain didn't.
the day i took you into my room i let you place your hand on my leg and i watched as you felt around. i don't know what scared me more, the fact that you were a boy and you were touching me or that there was a chance in that very moment that i loved you. when you left i stayed in my room for three hours and watched porn that my cousin had given me, i touched myself and when i came i didn't say your name. (but i was thinking it)
the day i got that call from your mom saying that you had locked yourself in your room and were drinking, i told her that i wasn't allowed to leave the house but i would call your cell-phone and talk some sense into you. I think it's about time you told her what i really did, by the end of the night a lot of those bottles were mine and the only thing i did that made sense was kissing you.
the day you left you laid out all your clothes on my bed and placed all mine in your bag. at first i was so angry that most of your clothes i set on fire, but i soon realised that you didn't leave the clothes as a way of getting back at me for everything i ever did to you, instead it was your way of saying goodbye. You once said, that I was the voice inside your head, now you are all I can smell when I lay awake at night.
the day i was found, i was wearing your favourite black shirt and i was without pants. they said i reeked of alcohol and that there was an excessive amount of blood coming from my lip. they said on the top of my thigh they found the words 'this was never my life' written in ink and the one thing they kept shouting over and over again was 'that i needed to get some help'. now I understand what you had meant.
and danny, I couldn't agree more.
-
the best thing i'll ever write
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Send My Love To The Grave
Missing, kissing
I've got two sides of listening
I've never heard a word you said,
But I thought you would have guessed
Second best, Under dressed
He says this is my only chance
But I've proved him wrong before,
And I'm not one to let him go
Justify, Amplify
Drop this act of I'm ready to die
You were the best thing in this head,
I've never had days like what we left
Relieve, Breathe
I've finished with these jagged knees
This is the day of all we went through
They will never hurt you like I do
I've got two sides of listening
I've never heard a word you said,
But I thought you would have guessed
Second best, Under dressed
He says this is my only chance
But I've proved him wrong before,
And I'm not one to let him go
Justify, Amplify
Drop this act of I'm ready to die
You were the best thing in this head,
I've never had days like what we left
Relieve, Breathe
I've finished with these jagged knees
This is the day of all we went through
They will never hurt you like I do
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Behind Closed Doors We Open Our Closests
Converse the worse thing that comes to mind,
We will do anything just to waste our time
If that means winning when all we want to do is lose
Then kiss me sunshine,
Let's make another bruise
For a damaged head that wants nothing less
Then to rip out her eyes,
You have me at best
We will do anything just to waste our time
If that means winning when all we want to do is lose
Then kiss me sunshine,
Let's make another bruise
For a damaged head that wants nothing less
Then to rip out her eyes,
You have me at best
Pockets (Somebody Fall In Love)
i. He closes his eyes and the water feels more like the clouds.
They're sending him into the sky. He watches the moon disappear
under his insecurities while his heart disappears with the hand on his chest.
She moves her hand away and kisses his eyes shut again before
swimming away. He listens to her leave, but knows she never will.
ii. He opens his eyes and they're lying on her bed, something familiar.
She holds his face with her little hands and smiles. She begins to sing,
weaving her words together like sewing up broken dolls. Every
word she sings makes his eyes burn, she is light that can't be captured.
As he begins to cry she keeps on singing, he wants her to be real.
(she is)
They're sending him into the sky. He watches the moon disappear
under his insecurities while his heart disappears with the hand on his chest.
She moves her hand away and kisses his eyes shut again before
swimming away. He listens to her leave, but knows she never will.
ii. He opens his eyes and they're lying on her bed, something familiar.
She holds his face with her little hands and smiles. She begins to sing,
weaving her words together like sewing up broken dolls. Every
word she sings makes his eyes burn, she is light that can't be captured.
As he begins to cry she keeps on singing, he wants her to be real.
(she is)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
You Can't Save The World, But I Can
To a world of people who might as well already be extinct,
I'm speaking for every boy who is dead when I say
"Your not as smart as you think"
And I'm speaking for every one eyed girl when I moan,
"You're not the only one alone"
And I'm crying for every child who can't breathe when I laugh,
"It's not what you take, but what you can grab"
To a world of people who live their life eating my air
I'll cut your heads off,
"You're playing unfair"
I'm speaking for every boy who is dead when I say
"Your not as smart as you think"
And I'm speaking for every one eyed girl when I moan,
"You're not the only one alone"
And I'm crying for every child who can't breathe when I laugh,
"It's not what you take, but what you can grab"
To a world of people who live their life eating my air
I'll cut your heads off,
"You're playing unfair"
You're Not Going Anywhere (Return To Sender)
If your thighs and legs were packaged any tighter your feet would split at each toe and open up like a doorway of new worlds.
I told you that your feet were your best chance out of this hell of a town,
but you told me that what is delivered stays delivered. I told you that that was the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
If your stomach and hands were packaged any tighter your ribs would break free, shooting out of your skin like sharp knives covered in sheets of blood.
I liked running my hands over your body at night,
when the moonlight touched your hair and your arms but never your face.
You had a disgusting face and I had a feeling it was the reason I lov- liked you so much.
If your hips and head were packaged any tighter your bones would collapse and all you would be was a costume. (A disgraceful costume)
I wish your skull was broken sometimes,
because I should have never listened to your stupid ideas.
The idea that starts with me on top of you in a box, and ends with you and me anywhere but here.
If our chests and shoulders were packaged any tighter our bodies would have formed into one. (When you look at me and smile, my heart believes that we already are the same person)
I told you that your feet were your best chance out of this hell of a town,
but you told me that what is delivered stays delivered. I told you that that was the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
If your stomach and hands were packaged any tighter your ribs would break free, shooting out of your skin like sharp knives covered in sheets of blood.
I liked running my hands over your body at night,
when the moonlight touched your hair and your arms but never your face.
You had a disgusting face and I had a feeling it was the reason I lov- liked you so much.
If your hips and head were packaged any tighter your bones would collapse and all you would be was a costume. (A disgraceful costume)
I wish your skull was broken sometimes,
because I should have never listened to your stupid ideas.
The idea that starts with me on top of you in a box, and ends with you and me anywhere but here.
If our chests and shoulders were packaged any tighter our bodies would have formed into one. (When you look at me and smile, my heart believes that we already are the same person)
There's No Way To Win At (My) Life
(forgot to post things here,)
i. There's no way to win at (my) life
ii. The down side to a reletionship that has no downside
They sit on the curb, "like orphans" he says and they hold their heads down low because well, they're not orphans.
She's still wearing his clothes because it's cold. It's summer but it's still cold. He always tells her that she looks good in blue, so she starts singing about it and he says nothing because she sounds horrible no matter how much heart she puts in it. (The heart is never good enough)
They hold hands but minutes later he lets go, and she rests her head on his shoulder and makes him promise that he will never leave her. She knows he won't, but she has to remind herself that it would be like burning the boy alive if she ever decided that his love wasn't worth living for. She doesn't want that.
He asks for a kiss and she smiles so brightly that he jumps on top of her legs and holds her so tightly that her body just might deflate. She still smiles, but she also wonders if he ever thinks that kissing is a waste of time. (Life is a waste of time)
The sun rises above their heads and lets her know that it's okay to be like this, to fall in love and still feel so unsatisfied, to feel so disappointed. She knows that this is all she will ever want, but while the wind whistles a story of how her teenage years have been washed away she can't help but hope that things won't always be like this.
As the car arrives she waves goodbye and smiles. He doesn't smile because he's still getting use to using his face for things other than madness. (“I use to hate you,” But things always change for the better)
The car drives away and she doesn't look back or wave anymore, because seeing his face would only make it harder to sleep at night. She doesn't want to hear it, but as she reaches her house her mind laughs and tells her "you're the meaning of alone". (So this is what it's like to fall in love)
i. There's no way to win at (my) life
ii. The down side to a reletionship that has no downside
They sit on the curb, "like orphans" he says and they hold their heads down low because well, they're not orphans.
She's still wearing his clothes because it's cold. It's summer but it's still cold. He always tells her that she looks good in blue, so she starts singing about it and he says nothing because she sounds horrible no matter how much heart she puts in it. (The heart is never good enough)
They hold hands but minutes later he lets go, and she rests her head on his shoulder and makes him promise that he will never leave her. She knows he won't, but she has to remind herself that it would be like burning the boy alive if she ever decided that his love wasn't worth living for. She doesn't want that.
He asks for a kiss and she smiles so brightly that he jumps on top of her legs and holds her so tightly that her body just might deflate. She still smiles, but she also wonders if he ever thinks that kissing is a waste of time. (Life is a waste of time)
The sun rises above their heads and lets her know that it's okay to be like this, to fall in love and still feel so unsatisfied, to feel so disappointed. She knows that this is all she will ever want, but while the wind whistles a story of how her teenage years have been washed away she can't help but hope that things won't always be like this.
As the car arrives she waves goodbye and smiles. He doesn't smile because he's still getting use to using his face for things other than madness. (“I use to hate you,” But things always change for the better)
The car drives away and she doesn't look back or wave anymore, because seeing his face would only make it harder to sleep at night. She doesn't want to hear it, but as she reaches her house her mind laughs and tells her "you're the meaning of alone". (So this is what it's like to fall in love)
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I'm The Best Place To Be But The Worst Girl To Be There
Anxiety boy.
Maybe if he shot his mother dead he would sleep better at night,
To know that he couldn't catch any more of her diseases
Would be the happiest thing he's ever heard.
But she’s still lying next to him, and making him sing her to sleep.
I told him to keep a knife under his bed for the day he's to worried to worry.
This time he used it on himself instead
(Like always)
Depression boy.
He doesn't like looking in the mirror, unless it ends up shattered on the floor.
He says, "What’s there to see?"
It's not the only thing that's broken, but his future is looking pretty sharp (everything about him cuts at the edges)
Sometimes when he glues himself back together, I keep the pieces he missed in a jar.
Next time he cries I'll be the one to make him whole again.
Manic boy.
I hate the way he looks at his baby brother as if it would be fun to wrap long fingers around his throat, and see if he could still scream.
He said to me that if I ever spoke another word he would carve out both my eyes,
Just to see how many words I would scream then.
(I'm betting on 'I love you' to be the first thing that comes out)
Panic boy.
If the lights weren't so bright we would play murder in the dark (he's always the winner),
But when I turn off the lights he shakes and cries and runs into the walls.
I want to tell him that this is when I like him best (but this is when he hates me most).
I'm praying that he never gets better,
So in exchange for a little light I make him promise me things like he will never leave.
He always asks why? "Because I'm obsessive, boy"
Maybe if he shot his mother dead he would sleep better at night,
To know that he couldn't catch any more of her diseases
Would be the happiest thing he's ever heard.
But she’s still lying next to him, and making him sing her to sleep.
I told him to keep a knife under his bed for the day he's to worried to worry.
This time he used it on himself instead
(Like always)
Depression boy.
He doesn't like looking in the mirror, unless it ends up shattered on the floor.
He says, "What’s there to see?"
It's not the only thing that's broken, but his future is looking pretty sharp (everything about him cuts at the edges)
Sometimes when he glues himself back together, I keep the pieces he missed in a jar.
Next time he cries I'll be the one to make him whole again.
Manic boy.
I hate the way he looks at his baby brother as if it would be fun to wrap long fingers around his throat, and see if he could still scream.
He said to me that if I ever spoke another word he would carve out both my eyes,
Just to see how many words I would scream then.
(I'm betting on 'I love you' to be the first thing that comes out)
Panic boy.
If the lights weren't so bright we would play murder in the dark (he's always the winner),
But when I turn off the lights he shakes and cries and runs into the walls.
I want to tell him that this is when I like him best (but this is when he hates me most).
I'm praying that he never gets better,
So in exchange for a little light I make him promise me things like he will never leave.
He always asks why? "Because I'm obsessive, boy"
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I'd Die To Kill You
Corpse of a pig, Or maybe just your body.
Rotting in my house, under my bed.
It's the best reminder to keep my heart away from my head. (dickhead)
The smell is like eating compost,
Flies for desert and drinking shit for the fun of it.
Nobody told me that your body wasn't a buffet. (But you always tasted better)
I kept your eyes in a box, safe keeping, sweet dreaming.
It wasn't that I didn't like what I saw,
But I couldn't do what I did with your staring at me like that.
Sometimes I cut off your skin and wear the thing,
Like a wetsuit that's never been so wet,
And a body that's never been so dry (I sucked the life out of you)
I talk to you, most days.
Tell you things about my life, and how much I love the love.
I can hear you breathe, and you whisper things like 'enough'
(But enough is not enough, When your dead)
Rotting in my house, under my bed.
It's the best reminder to keep my heart away from my head. (dickhead)
The smell is like eating compost,
Flies for desert and drinking shit for the fun of it.
Nobody told me that your body wasn't a buffet. (But you always tasted better)
I kept your eyes in a box, safe keeping, sweet dreaming.
It wasn't that I didn't like what I saw,
But I couldn't do what I did with your staring at me like that.
Sometimes I cut off your skin and wear the thing,
Like a wetsuit that's never been so wet,
And a body that's never been so dry (I sucked the life out of you)
I talk to you, most days.
Tell you things about my life, and how much I love the love.
I can hear you breathe, and you whisper things like 'enough'
(But enough is not enough, When your dead)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
